shallow focus photography of macbook


I like to Google myself sometimes.

It’s an arrogant but innocent habit. I have a very unique full name, and as far as I know, I’m the only one stuck with it in the world. Sometimes I use search engines to check if my email pops up on the spam sites. Sometimes I read the old news articles that mentioned me in sports or academic competitions. I know this all sounds a little narcissistic. But I can’t be the only one to do it. Sometimes it can just be fun to run a weird search and see what comes up.

One slow morning at work, a couple weeks ago, I decided to indulge my shameless habit for the umpteenth time. I threw the quotation marks around my name and hit enter. The results included the usual social media accounts. Amazon, Facebook, Twitter, the like. I scrolled through and clicked Next through some pretty uninteresting results. I wasn’t exactly a superhero.

Finally, on the fourth or fifth page, displayed in bold letters, was the website

Some of you may already be familiar with these kinds of sites. They are kind of like the stalker’s little black book. Full names, political party affiliation, partial addresses (full with a subscription!), and phone numbers are all available with just the click of a button. You can get a lot more if you subscribe to their bullshit: court records, arrest records, photos, addresses, family, friends. You name it. Just one of many creepy, dark corners of the internet.

But this particular site recently added a new feature: Reviews & Ratings. The tab indicated one new alert next to my name. I clicked it.


I’m not sure what annoyed me more, the fact that this creepy website allowed strangers to review me or that this particular one gave me less than a five. I clicked the review. Now, for those following along at home, I don’t recommend this part. It took about ten minutes to sift through the garbage. Then I still had to pay at the end. Something called White Valley collective.

Finally, after what felt like my entire morning, I made it to the review itself.

I have since sent all of the screenshots to the police.


Matthew is the son of [mom’s name redacted] and [dad’s name redacted]. He is currently living at [address redacted]. He currently stands approximately [redacted] and [redacted] weight. He is mentioned in several news clippings [here] as a member of team rosters. He attended college at [redacted] University where he double majored in [redacted study]. He is unmarried and employed by [my boss’s name]. Active on all social media platforms, including [LinkedIn], [Facebook], [Twitter], [Reddit], [Instagram].


An inspection of publicly recovered waste reflects an over-indulgence in destructive habits. Witness testimony reveals a wimp with limited physical ability. He has no criminal record but had several close encounters throughout his teenage years. Electronic and visual monitoring indicates a fairly consistent schedule detailed below.


Wakes at 5:00 a.m. every morning to walk the dog.

Work at 7:00 a.m., Monday through Friday.

Returns from work at 5:00 p.m., Monday through Friday.

Remains in the house, with little variation, from 5:00 p.m. until nightfall.

This schedule is extended and varied on weekends.


ideal candidate for the God Experiment.