Google'd

I like to Google myself sometimes.

It's an arrogant but innocent habit. I have a very unique full name, and as far as I know, I'm the only one stuck with it in the world. Sometimes I use Google to check if my email pops up on the spam sites. Sometimes I do it to look at the old articles that mentioned me in sports competitions. I know that's a little narcissistic. But I can't be the only one to do it. Sometimes it can be interesting to run a weird search and see what comes up.

So, this morning was a slow one at work, and I decided to indulge this self-obsessed habit for the umpteenth time. I threw the quotation marks around my name and hit enter.

The results included the usual social media. My LinkedIn and Facebook pages populated the first two slots. An Amazon account with my wedding registry showed up third. But below that, displayed as an ordinary social media profile, was the website MyLife.com.

Some of you may already be familiar with MyLife. It is basically the stalker's national anthem for any and all information relevant to an individual's life. Full names, political party affiliation, partial addresses and phone numbers are all available with just the preview option. If you subscribe to their bullshit, they will even let you search Court & Arrest records, photos, family & friends, and so much more. It is a creepy, creepy, dark corner of the Internet.

But they recently added a new feature.

**Reviews & Ratings.**

[See for yourself.](https://imgur.com/SF4X437)

The reviews are actually integrated fairly often throughout MyLife's website. It pops up at the top of my profile. And, surprisingly, I already had one review on the seemingly new feature. [Here's what that looks like.](https://imgur.com/duKLysk)

As you can tell, my rating is a 3.75/5.

I'm not sure what annoyed me more; the fact that this creepy website allowed me to be reviewed by strangers on the Internet, or that said stranger chose to give me anything less than a five. In the words of Dennis Reynolds, *I'm a five star man.*

And so I clicked the review. Now, if anyone reading along finds themselves in the same situation, I don't recommend this part. It took about ten minutes for the shitty website to query a bunch of sketchy sounding databases, and at the end of it all, they still told me I had to pay to see something more. The mystery had already been built up for me. In my head, I had to see what was next, and so I clicked and gave them my credit card. I don't even remember what it costed. I'll find out soon enough.

I had to pass through another thousand layers of bullshit to find my review. They tried to show me nonexistent arrest records. Then they asked if I wanted to see my own phone number. There was an option to lock everything and make it inaccessible to the public, and I did that, but not before I found the review. Nestled in the bottom of the page. Here's what it said, with all personally identifiable information redacted.

I have since sent it to the police.

----
**Summary**:

*Matthew is the son of [mom's name redacted] and [dad's name redacted]. He is currently living at [address redacted]. He currently stands approximately [redacted] and [redacted] weight. He is mentioned in several news clippings [here] as a member of team rosters. He attended college at [redacted] University where he double majored in [redacted study]. He is unmarried and employed by [my boss's name]. Active on all social media platforms, including; [LinkedIn], [Facebook], [Twitter], [Reddit], [Instagram].*

**Feedback:**

An inspection of publicly recovered waste reflects an obsession with over eating and an over indulgence of bad habits in general.
Witness testimony reveals that Matthew will resort to questionable means on several occasions to get his way. He has no criminal record but had several close encounters, citations, and traffic stops throughout his teenage years. Electronic and visual monitoring indicates a fairly consistent schedule detailed below.

**Feedback**:

I have determined that this individual represents an ideal candidate for control group twelve. Rating assigned accordingly.

**Activity**:

Matthew wakes at 5:00 AM every morning to walk the dog.

Matthew goes to work at 7:00 AM, Monday through Friday.

*Note: The house is left unattended during this time.*

Matthew returns from work at 5:00 PM, Monday through Friday.

Matthew remains in the house, with little variation, from 5:00 PM until nightfall.

[This schedule is extended and varied on weekends.](https://firstbreath1.com/)